I'm no longer on vacation, but I still got up 'early' and went for a walk this morning.
I had planned out the route the night before, trying to see how long it would take me to go around. There's a walking path with an entrance near my apartment complex, and it winds through all of the interconnected Dublin trails. I went out to the middle school, through a residential neighborhood, which was kind of the weird part but I kept going. I figured the masses were used to the trail being that close to their houses. Then it went south again through a massive canopy before reconnecting to my usual trail circle near the lake.
It took me about 20 minutes to go around the entire thing this morning. As it will probably rain tomorrow afternoon, hopefully I can do it twice tomorrow before I go to work. No music, no huge distractions, just me, Jesus, and a little PoGo.
--
During my break at work I sat and wondered. What do I want? What is success to me?
I always thought I knew. But the truth was, even in those moments when I knew, I shoved it aside very hardily. It was true at first so I could make other people happy. What I wanted to do was something I knew wouldn't bring in a lot of money, and other people wanted me to have money. There were promises of being a big star and making it big and royalties and having enough of a fortune so that nobody in my world could ever want ever again.
I traded that mindset for NYC, where a can of tuna is $2.50 and, as I said in Flatbush Avenue, "for $1400 you can be just who you want to be." But when that's your rent, all you do has to be motivated by money. You don't have time to do anything for free. Even the churches I ran into in NYC had a very heavy emphasis on tithing and collecting. I think I still get mail from one church I visited one time that only sends me information on how to give.
When I had worked for THE JOB before, it had given me not necessarily time to create outside of work, but peace. A 40 hour workweek meant that I had enough money to create things without breaking my bank or feeling bad about the money I was spending. I got a new microphone for the first time in ages. I upgraded Ringo's OS X, and then to Logic 9. The music I created at that time is now Almond Dust, which can still make me sad as an album, but it -- much like North Side Angel -- also makes me really proud. I can hear how authentic and real I am in that music. (By the way, I give you all links if you want to listen, but you don't have to buy.)
With these things in mind, I realized there are two definitions of success for me:
(And you're probably like, #OkayEmily why Columbus? Didn't God send you here and there and everywhere? Well, He wants me in Cbus right now. If He moves me, I'll pay attention and move if/when He wants me to. But I think we can all agree He wants me here for now.)
So what does that even mean? What does that translate to? I'm not just gonna say "oh this is what I want and need" and not come up with a plan. Here are some thoughts on that as well:
I had planned out the route the night before, trying to see how long it would take me to go around. There's a walking path with an entrance near my apartment complex, and it winds through all of the interconnected Dublin trails. I went out to the middle school, through a residential neighborhood, which was kind of the weird part but I kept going. I figured the masses were used to the trail being that close to their houses. Then it went south again through a massive canopy before reconnecting to my usual trail circle near the lake.
It took me about 20 minutes to go around the entire thing this morning. As it will probably rain tomorrow afternoon, hopefully I can do it twice tomorrow before I go to work. No music, no huge distractions, just me, Jesus, and a little PoGo.
--
During my break at work I sat and wondered. What do I want? What is success to me?
I always thought I knew. But the truth was, even in those moments when I knew, I shoved it aside very hardily. It was true at first so I could make other people happy. What I wanted to do was something I knew wouldn't bring in a lot of money, and other people wanted me to have money. There were promises of being a big star and making it big and royalties and having enough of a fortune so that nobody in my world could ever want ever again.
I traded that mindset for NYC, where a can of tuna is $2.50 and, as I said in Flatbush Avenue, "for $1400 you can be just who you want to be." But when that's your rent, all you do has to be motivated by money. You don't have time to do anything for free. Even the churches I ran into in NYC had a very heavy emphasis on tithing and collecting. I think I still get mail from one church I visited one time that only sends me information on how to give.
When I had worked for THE JOB before, it had given me not necessarily time to create outside of work, but peace. A 40 hour workweek meant that I had enough money to create things without breaking my bank or feeling bad about the money I was spending. I got a new microphone for the first time in ages. I upgraded Ringo's OS X, and then to Logic 9. The music I created at that time is now Almond Dust, which can still make me sad as an album, but it -- much like North Side Angel -- also makes me really proud. I can hear how authentic and real I am in that music. (By the way, I give you all links if you want to listen, but you don't have to buy.)
With these things in mind, I realized there are two definitions of success for me:
- to be using music (and by proxy writing/drawing/movie making/whatever, but with an emphasis on music) to praise God in some way or another, either on a worship team or as a solo artist, with another emphasis on staying in Columbus
- to have all I do point to love.
(And you're probably like, #OkayEmily why Columbus? Didn't God send you here and there and everywhere? Well, He wants me in Cbus right now. If He moves me, I'll pay attention and move if/when He wants me to. But I think we can all agree He wants me here for now.)
So what does that even mean? What does that translate to? I'm not just gonna say "oh this is what I want and need" and not come up with a plan. Here are some thoughts on that as well:
- Knowing which artistic projects are given to me in love, instead of just doing them for money or doing them out of fear. I have more thoughts on this, so I want to write another blog post on it at a later date.
- Give myself enough time and patience before I announce a new project to the world. When I came up with NSA, I realized I had all this music I had created moderately recently that I wanted out in the world, and so I did. I took some time and some elbow grease, put it together, and called it North Side Angel. It didn't matter to me how much money it made. I just wanted to share it. It's this same sentiment I hope to share in the future. It's not my intent to blow up your social media with my next big thing before it even properly exists as a thing. I want to create, and then hone, and then invite you into what I've created. I'm not here for my own ego or to look pretty on Instagram.
- Being 'plugged in' to Jesus as much as possible. Notice I said Jesus, not church.
- Moving to change and bring justice from a place of love and not fear. This requires stepping outside of my comfort zone, and I'm still not entirely sure how to do that. But this world is much brighter and more filled with love if we can meet each other WITH love. I'm not saying to accept the bad parts of one another. I'm not saying that the bad things that happen to people should be their identity. I'm only proposing love -- fierce love, Jesus love, active love that does something, the love that caused Jesus to turn up tables in the temple (and the least of these). Not for show, but for love.