Official End Of Year Review -- 2018
The scent of you, carried along by the wind
When I touch your cheek, it's freezing
It's completely unbelievable -- we're meeting again.
It's a beautiful, beautiful life...
1. What did you do in 2018 that you'd never done before?:
I think the biggest thing for me is that I was able to go to therapy! Not like HARDCORE CBT or anything like that, I've always been able to dig myself out of that. But I was able to go to career counseling to figure out what I ACTUALLY want to do with my music talent, instead of just letting everybody else mold it. I lost a major project I wanted to be in at the beginning of the year due to a micromanaging leader who took what was supposed to be mine and made it hers. Later on, I lost the Akiba Idol Emily project because I started it for the wrong reasons, which of course led to a massive mental breakdown WHILE at Matsuricon. Never done that before, but I was able to fall apart in a safe space surrounded by people who were watching out for me. I didn't hurt myself, and I've been rebuilding since then.
I started waking up early to take walks in the morning -- never did that before. And I've played recitals before, but I played in the first recital of my 30's! Let's hope there's lots more, as that's my plan (per my career counselor, LOL!). I also got promoted in the office for the first time ever! Take that, NYC office!
Probably the biggest "first" thing I started doing was really listening to myself, though. And counseling kicked that off for me. It was very nice to be held accountable by an impartial third party to move forward with my life. No more fights started at performances, no more exes interrupting my playing. From here on out, it's all about continuing to do well. Not awesome or amazing -- that puts too much pressure on me. I'm gonna settle for simply doing "well."
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I wasn't in the same place at the beginning of the year that I was at the end of it. The end of 2017 me wouldn't recognize the end of 2018 me. It just ended up working out that way. So for this next year, I just want to be better at authentically listening to my soul and following that path, instead of chasing what's pretty.
3. Where did you ring in 2018?
At Spadz's place again! This time, Mikkun went with me.
4. What date from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:
July 13, 2018, 10:00 AM is the new August 16, 2005, 10:00 PM. Anybody find that ironic? The latter is the end of the day at Cedar Point. The former is opening time, even though I wasn't there.
5. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?:
I was 30, and I worked and went to a friend's birthday party (not mine). No offense, it kind of stunk.
6. What was your status by Valentines Day?
Taken! We didn't really celebrate, quote en quote, but I think we did something little and stupid.
7. Were you in school (anytime this year)?
I finally have plans to go to grad school, but not for what I thought I was going to do. More on that much later -- I don't want to spoil too much!
8. How did you earn your keep?
Through my job (at which I got the aforementioned promotion) and a little bit through my music. Your Reality was really popular this year, and I'm glad I stepped away from it and let it just be its own authentic thing instead of forcing myself into popularity.
9. Did you suffer illness or injury?:
Not really. This year was definitely the year that I realized I won't last forever, and I have to take care of my body. I started walking to lower my stress level but I lowered my weight a bit as well. In the next year, I want to learn how to cook better and actually make things I'm proud of.
10. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?:
MY BAND. GUYS. I HAVE A BAND, AND IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS. More on this WAY later because it's gonna be a big freaking surprise. But most of my not-classical music is going to move over to this eventually. I just need to let it grow authentically and not force it like I did AIE. We'll get there soon, won't we? Never give up! Continue to do well!
11. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?:
I'm gonna walk away from this question before I say something I regret.
12. What political issue stirred you the most?:
I actually tried to stay completely away from politics this year. It worked well.
13. Where did most of your money go?:
The same old bills, and finally upgrading Finale.
14. What was your favorite TV program?:
This year's PreCure is IMPOSSIBLY good. I've got a few episodes I have to catch up on, but I will definitely remember that about this year. "Hooray, hooray, everyone! Hooray, hooray, me!" Also Aikatsu Friends has been okay, as in "light years better than Aikatsu Stars," so there's that. Oh, and I got reintroduced to Doctor Who. WHO WANTS TEA AT YAZ'S
15. What was your favorite film of this year?:
I'm not sure I saw a lot of films. Bohemian Rhapsody, I guess?
16. What was the best book you read?:
I finished "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's the book that inspired me to make a change in 2017, and I'm glad I finally made it all the way through. I'm currently reading "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Dr. Elaine Aron regarding my conditions.
17. What was your greatest musical discovery?:
The kind of music that I think I should be making is not the music I should be. Also, aligning myself with my true purpose is hard, man. You put the expectations on yourself for so long, you start forgetting who you really are and what your talents are. Even now, it's hard to convince myself, "it's okay not to focus on composition. Just focus on the piano." My mind is programmed to think that focusing on piano is futile and composing music will bring me lots of money and make everybody else happy. It's not only what makes me happy, but what makes me more honestly myself, that I want to chase after.
18. Did anyone close to you give birth?:
Nope, although I feel like I'm forgetting something.
19. Did anyone close to you die?:
Nope.
20. What countries -- ahem, states -- did you visit?:
Still literally just went to Carolina. With my goals on the horizon, this isn't changing anytime soon. Although GOD, what I wouldn't give to visit NYC and get myself a mother flipping bodega sandwich!
Making it through the damn thing.
22. What was your biggest failure?:
The AIE project. It was all in my head, putting all this pressure on myself to do this or do that. And in reality, I wanted to do it with somebody else. I wanted to be in an idol duo with someone I really loved, somebody who didn't love the actual me at all. It took a long time, and I'm finally just now able to breathe from all of it, but I'm proud to have learned from my failures this year.
23. Compared to this time last year, are you…
i. thinner or fatter?: I am actually at least five solid pounds lighter! I'm really proud of it. It's not a HUGE change, but I'm also better off mentally because I'm starting my day with a walk.
ii. richer or poorer?: Pretty equal, but I'm gonna have to make some major changes if I want my goals to work out.
24. What do you wish you'd done more of?:
Traveling.
25. What do you wish you'd done less of?:
Putting my energy into projects and people that wouldn't give back to me.
26. How will you be spending Christmas next December?:
Not a clue, but hopefully still in Ohio.
27. Did you fall in love in 2018?
Guys. GUYS. You literally have NO IDEA. It's the major reason I'm actually okay with Akiba Idol Emily flamboyantly crashing and burning. It's also the major reason Dvorak is a thing again, and why I'm really focusing on my piano again. To put it really simply -- let the reader understand -- I fell in love with myself. I gave myself enough time to see the light, and God led me right exactly where I needed to be. And ever since that day, while it's been confusing and hard to change things, now I'm able to look back and go, wow, this was worth it. And I'm primed in a good spot ready to take on 2019 at my own speed.
28. How many one-night stands?:
Still none. I only sleep with people I'm in relationships with. :P
29. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?:
I don't hate people. I'm just mad they weren't honest with me.
30. What did you get really, really, really excited about?:
Absolutely nothing. Everything I even remotely got excited about didn't turn out right. I did go to the Frontiertown Passholder Hoedown, though, so I guess that's fun. I'm excited about 2019.
31. What did you want and get?:
Security in myself.
32. What did you want and not get?:
The AIE project. Everything regarding my career that glitters.
33. What was your best month?
Honestly, probably May, before all the crazy hit. I got a new idea for a book related thing, and my vacation this year was exactly what I needed.
34. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?:
FORWARD THRUST.
35. How would you rate this year with a scale from 1 (shitty) to 10 (excellent)?
This year was odd -- like there was some REALLY low stuff, but then there were those moments where my entire life got redefined. IDK, like a 5?
36. What's something you learned about yourself in 2018?
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, something is just not gonna work out. It is sometimes God's glorious and wonderful will to have you watch something burn while being safe and sound. And it's never too late to start over.
37. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?:
I actually had fun with buying new clothes and was able to put together some outfits for work. Dresses, plaid, other things, kind of a mix. Off work is still t-shirts and jeans because I have no chill.
38. What kept you sane?:
What hurt so much about this year was that everything that I had turned to before fell apart. I couldn't find comfort in music, or piano, or Bemani, or even my work. So I ended up finding it a lot in my partner. Mikkun was there for me constantly when nobody else was, and I'm so incredibly thankful. We also cat-sat for three months and they surprisingly helped with my mental health! When I find a more secure place to live, I want cats.
39. Who did you miss?:
The girl who didn't love me. More than I knew it was possible to miss somebody. I worked that out with Mikkun, with my friends, with my counselor. And I finally got to a point where I don't miss her, where what she's doing and how she's doing don't rule my mind any longer. I think about her in that same bittersweet way I think about everybody who has left me. I'm really proud of that, but I'll always wonder about what might have been...and then look to what I have and know that it is so amazing, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
40. Who was the best new person you met?:
I have a new best friend who has really helped with a lot of my issues -- in fact, we've both helped each other pretty well. Of course I'm nervous about having people around, because I'm so used to them just using me and moving on -- but then again, I was like that with Mikkun as well. So here's to us continuing our friendship for many years to come.
41. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018.
Keep moving forward -- and on that note. It's okay not to be Top Thrill Dragster. Like, yeah, I'm always gonna have that with me. But I as Emily am so much more than that, and I am becoming so much more than that. I won't let myself be defined by something that's honestly so small and trivial anymore. I am my own northern star, and as we reflect that light, we'll find something bigger and bigger to live by.
42. What song will always remind you of 2018?:
I wasn't sure I'd find a song that encompassed it, but it ended up being "Goodbyes" by my Knocks and METH. The entire album (New York Narcotic) is basically the story of my time in NYC, from arriving with big dreams to having no money to leaving with my tail in between my legs. But it also reminds me of where I've come from and where I'm headed.
43. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Today we'll go out and buy new shoes, and raise your mood a bit.
I will, I will, I will, I'll be with you."
(The vast majority of what I listened to this year was Bemani stuff without lyrics.)
44. What Quotes sum up the year?:
"My dear,
In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, that…
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back."
And also,
"Hey, have you seen my brother? He's not answering my texts. I'm really worried about him."
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