I've been kind of in a depressive state for a while now.
Now, when I say "depressive state," I don't mean I have clinical depression, or that I hate myself and that I think I should go die. This is not a post about suicide or self-harm. While my brain seems to much prefer the tantalizing despair of anxiety, depression is not something I normally deal with...but every once in a blue moon, I'll get depressed in the same way as someone with depression would (read: Mikkun). The hopelessness, the numbness, the tired and unable to wake up in the morning -- all are present in these for me.
I've checked with people about this, and incidents of this are fine as long as:
Usually I've figured out a way to reduce stress to keep myself from getting too bogged down about bad things that happen in my life. If those stress reducers are not present, or if the stress reducers ARE the cause of my stress, then this incidental depression can happen. It usually just lasts a few days while I figure out a solution, but this time around I didn't know where to go or who to turn to. I just knew it would pass, so I gave it a bit of time.
I spent time this weekend relaxing, not really focusing on the problems that caused my depression but just looking for stress relief. I went to the arcade, even though it hurt, and played for a while. I got lots of snuggles from Mikkun (those are just what they say they are -- Mikkun is a world class snuggler). I made headway on something that's causing me a lot of pain, but in a way that didn't do so on Sunday. And he's cat-sitting, so I went over to his place Sunday night for the sole purpose of playing with cats. (Note to future Emily: If your plans work out, YOU NEED CATS. They're going to be a good investment in your mental health.)
Then Monday I stopped by the Polaris area to start preparations for my Matsuricon cosplay. I wasn't looking forward to Matsuricon because of unnecessary drama that was already being started by people who didn't even know me. It was gross. I felt unneeded and unwanted, but I knew my staff department would have my backs no matter what, and I'd be on staff with Mikkun, so I've tried my best to shelve it until then.
But while in Old Navy THIS banger came on --
and I knew it reminded me of NYC the moment it hit. And it wasn't until just now, when I realized I had it in my head, that I REALLY knew this song. It was on the PA mix at Equinox.
And when I realized that, it reminded me and took me back. EDM is a hot genre on the radio these days, but there's a certain brand of cool indie pop that's specific to New York City. That feeling of not being able to afford your rent, but you all have high false hopes about what's going to happen next because gosh damn it, you're in NYC. It's spontaneously deciding to get a bodega sandwich at three in the morning because you can, or riding the subway train until they kick you off, or going to Times Square just because and watching the tourists.
This is me. Whenever things went sour in NYC, I'd just try something new. I had a support system of crazies who did the same thing I did. Does our boss hate us? We'll talk about it behind his back and support one another with gift cards to make up the difference. Did our temp assignment supervisor send us to a work spot that treated us like robots? Beers we can't afford after. Favorite food place close? We'll find another one and claim it as our own, and drink to the old spot. We ROLLED with it and didn't let the bad things hurt us too much. We wore our empty pocketbooks like a badge of honor, knowing that we had traded security for that feeling of being ALIVE, of knowing we were at the center of the action, and even if we were never successful we were a part of it. We were there.
I took that mentality home. I kept up my random personality. And then I did something I never thought I'd do: I fell for someone who was the total opposite of random. I traded my bubbly hajikeru randomness for preparing for a future of bills and 401Ks and promotions that would garner us more money. I joked at work about bodega sandwiches. I was random when I could afford it. But most of the time, being "random" meant an hour trip both ways to prepare myself for being random. And as far as I could see, there was no culture of random ping-pongers like me. There were friends with kids, and single friends who loved to stay home where it was safe.
But I asked myself just now, what would NYC Emily do? What would Eleganza Supreme do? Is a future I dream of so far off that I can't grasp it? It it necessary to have a panic attack every time I think about it because I plan for two now? Is that even the plan at all?
And then I know the truth. I know of the one who's on my side, who is Team Emily no matter what. I know that's not how he thinks. I know we got this.
I don't even know how much faith I have in God right now, but I know They're still looking out for me. And I've got the random, even in the patterns I'm figuring out right now. Adulting might still be scary, and it's a little different here, so all I have to do is walk proud like I did across 5th Avenue and knock it out of the ballpark. NYC doesn't wait around for your fear, you see. I'll go to Akiba, and to Min-Ga, and little by little I'll get the rest of it back. I have to remember that I'm still half a New Yorker. I'm still random. I'm still me.
And someday soon...I really hope I can finally get that bodega sandwich.
What about it, you? How about going on an adventure, just because we can?
Now, when I say "depressive state," I don't mean I have clinical depression, or that I hate myself and that I think I should go die. This is not a post about suicide or self-harm. While my brain seems to much prefer the tantalizing despair of anxiety, depression is not something I normally deal with...but every once in a blue moon, I'll get depressed in the same way as someone with depression would (read: Mikkun). The hopelessness, the numbness, the tired and unable to wake up in the morning -- all are present in these for me.
I've checked with people about this, and incidents of this are fine as long as:
- The depression has a clear starting point -- something bad has happened that seems really hopeless, usually leading into another thing and another thing that just aren't going right in my world.
- I'm aware of the depression. My support system may be lacking or might not know about the trouble I'm going through, but I'm still reaching out. I have no problem telling people I'm going through a period of depression.
- I'm aware that it won't last. These things have an end date, and while things may seem pretty worthless right now, I know that I will find a solution and that things will get better.
Usually I've figured out a way to reduce stress to keep myself from getting too bogged down about bad things that happen in my life. If those stress reducers are not present, or if the stress reducers ARE the cause of my stress, then this incidental depression can happen. It usually just lasts a few days while I figure out a solution, but this time around I didn't know where to go or who to turn to. I just knew it would pass, so I gave it a bit of time.
I spent time this weekend relaxing, not really focusing on the problems that caused my depression but just looking for stress relief. I went to the arcade, even though it hurt, and played for a while. I got lots of snuggles from Mikkun (those are just what they say they are -- Mikkun is a world class snuggler). I made headway on something that's causing me a lot of pain, but in a way that didn't do so on Sunday. And he's cat-sitting, so I went over to his place Sunday night for the sole purpose of playing with cats. (Note to future Emily: If your plans work out, YOU NEED CATS. They're going to be a good investment in your mental health.)
Then Monday I stopped by the Polaris area to start preparations for my Matsuricon cosplay. I wasn't looking forward to Matsuricon because of unnecessary drama that was already being started by people who didn't even know me. It was gross. I felt unneeded and unwanted, but I knew my staff department would have my backs no matter what, and I'd be on staff with Mikkun, so I've tried my best to shelve it until then.
But while in Old Navy THIS banger came on --
and I knew it reminded me of NYC the moment it hit. And it wasn't until just now, when I realized I had it in my head, that I REALLY knew this song. It was on the PA mix at Equinox.
And when I realized that, it reminded me and took me back. EDM is a hot genre on the radio these days, but there's a certain brand of cool indie pop that's specific to New York City. That feeling of not being able to afford your rent, but you all have high false hopes about what's going to happen next because gosh damn it, you're in NYC. It's spontaneously deciding to get a bodega sandwich at three in the morning because you can, or riding the subway train until they kick you off, or going to Times Square just because and watching the tourists.
This is me. Whenever things went sour in NYC, I'd just try something new. I had a support system of crazies who did the same thing I did. Does our boss hate us? We'll talk about it behind his back and support one another with gift cards to make up the difference. Did our temp assignment supervisor send us to a work spot that treated us like robots? Beers we can't afford after. Favorite food place close? We'll find another one and claim it as our own, and drink to the old spot. We ROLLED with it and didn't let the bad things hurt us too much. We wore our empty pocketbooks like a badge of honor, knowing that we had traded security for that feeling of being ALIVE, of knowing we were at the center of the action, and even if we were never successful we were a part of it. We were there.
I took that mentality home. I kept up my random personality. And then I did something I never thought I'd do: I fell for someone who was the total opposite of random. I traded my bubbly hajikeru randomness for preparing for a future of bills and 401Ks and promotions that would garner us more money. I joked at work about bodega sandwiches. I was random when I could afford it. But most of the time, being "random" meant an hour trip both ways to prepare myself for being random. And as far as I could see, there was no culture of random ping-pongers like me. There were friends with kids, and single friends who loved to stay home where it was safe.
But I asked myself just now, what would NYC Emily do? What would Eleganza Supreme do? Is a future I dream of so far off that I can't grasp it? It it necessary to have a panic attack every time I think about it because I plan for two now? Is that even the plan at all?
And then I know the truth. I know of the one who's on my side, who is Team Emily no matter what. I know that's not how he thinks. I know we got this.
I don't even know how much faith I have in God right now, but I know They're still looking out for me. And I've got the random, even in the patterns I'm figuring out right now. Adulting might still be scary, and it's a little different here, so all I have to do is walk proud like I did across 5th Avenue and knock it out of the ballpark. NYC doesn't wait around for your fear, you see. I'll go to Akiba, and to Min-Ga, and little by little I'll get the rest of it back. I have to remember that I'm still half a New Yorker. I'm still random. I'm still me.
And someday soon...I really hope I can finally get that bodega sandwich.
What about it, you? How about going on an adventure, just because we can?