Official End Of Year Review -- 2019
You know it all, you’re my best friend
The morning will come again
No darkness, no season is eternal
1. What did you do in 2019 that you'd never done before?:
I GOT A CAT. I may not shut up about that for a while, and it's not like he's the most snuggly bean in the entire existence, but it's a dream I've literally had for years. I always kind of wished that I would find a cat out there somewhere, and it would pick me, and I would take it home and we'd be the best of friends. It's a little different than that, and I needed some major help with the "finding the cat" part, but it happened on my terms and it couldn't have come at a better time. Love my cat. Hopefully in time he will mellow out instead of just wanting to kitty-play all the time, but I'm gonna enjoy this kitty-play, too.
In addition to this: I moved in with my partner, which while I've done that before, I've never moved into a house. I certainly don't own it, but they've made it clear it's also my house, and I intend to care for it. My sister got married, and that clearly has not happened before. I also: played two conventions, with a third on the way; got my piano sampled on a Wu-Tang track; kicked someone out of my house for general delinquency.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I chased a lot of pretty things, let's be real here. No more chasing pretty things. At this point my resolutions are concrete goals, and there is no room for error.
3. Where did you ring in 2019?
At Mikkun's house. It wasn't the most fun.
4. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:
As funny as it is, September 19th. 9-19-19. It's a fun date to remember. I think the conventional answer to that question is July 6th, though. It was a beautiful, magical night, and I'm glad it felt like it was frozen in time the whole time.
5. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?:
I was 31, and it was super chill. Went to my lesson, had some quick meal with Mom, nothing super fancy. Oh, and I got like a bajillion chapsticks as a gag gift. Too bad I don't really use Chapstick anymore.
6. What was your status by Valentines Day?
Still taken, thank God, by the person who is the love of my life. We've had our ups and downs this year, and things got really down there for a bit. I accepted my pansexuality and polyamorous side way more this year, with the understanding that there is nothing wrong with me. At the same time, my partner and I made the decision to close our relationship, making it just the two of us with nobody else included. I want to honor that with everything I've got, and to be honest, it just feels right. With everything the world's going to throw at us, I'm gonna need it.
7. Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Not yet. Getting there.
8. How did you earn your keep?
Pretty strictly my job, which has gotten significantly harder for me to do.
9. Did you suffer illness or injury?:
I want to take a second to talk about my sensory processing disorder and my anxiety. It's certainly not an injury, but it does all tie into a mental health issue. The thing I've been really realizing is that I've had both all my life, and some of the ways I've reacted to things in the past is because of how I process the world, not because I'm shy or afraid of things. In retrospect, I have no clue how I made it through my undergraduate career, because of how out of it I was all the time. It's why I didn't have a plan after graduation; I didn't have the brain power to make one after doing everything else.
If I'm overwhelmed by a project, then I will finish my part and hide away from the world. It is SO. MUCH. EASIER. for me to hide than to face the facts, because I can't control those. This whole world of fear and stims and brain fog built up until it got too overwhelming this year, what with a wedding, a move -- and, honestly, a goose.
It also ties directly into all of my emotions, which I know I feel in great big quantities. Life is not a shonen anime where there's always a bad guy to be defeated. It should not be lived so passionately, I think. I am working toward a life worth living in the future, and I am making my way up one step at a time. I want to have my anxiety, my senses, my emotions all in control moving forward. There's a time to feel, like when you're at Cedar Point or reading a really good book. The rest of the time, you have to put it up on a shelf and do your thing. If you can't, try therapy or medication. It's really helped for me.
10. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?:
Watching myself grow as a pianist. It was slow and painful and excruciating at the same time, and a lot of things got in the way, but hey, I made it.
On that note, I'm not sure I like that word, 'satisfying.' It can be one of those in the moment things, like, drama can be fun. Being with a goose can be fun. And if you give a goose a cookie, it will steal your entire house from you before the book is done. Let the goose find its own damn cookie. That way, the goose learns to properly feed itself, and you can live in peace.
11. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?:
Oh look I tripped and now I'm in the ARMY (and for good reason)
12. What political issue stirred you the most?:
Immigration. Healthcare for all. Trans rights.
13. Where did most of your money go?:
Yogurt.
14. What was your favorite TV program?:
I feel like this is the spot where I just end up talking about this year's PreCure. I'm kind of okay with that. I thought this year could not live up to last year, but it's holding pretty steady! I'm a couple of episodes behind and I need to catch up before the new one starts in February.
15. What was your favorite film of this year?:
Did I even see a movie this year? Oh, wait. I did see Captain Marvel. I would say I need to see more movies, but clearly that's not gonna happen anytime soon.
16. What was the best book you read?:
I'm still knee-deep in Alyssa Cole's third book in her Reluctant Royals series. The second one was total massive amazeballs. It made me want to travel to Scotland, and that's not even on my bucket list!
17. What was your greatest musical discovery?:
Two things: it's okay to not listen to songs/pieces that bring you down or do not serve you. You have to find the music that keeps you genuinely healthy, not just alive. And also: practice, damnit, but don't feel bad if you can't. Intent > time.
18. Did anyone close to you give birth?:
Not this year. It's a matter of time, fufufufufufufufufufu
19. Did anyone close to you die?:
They might as well have.
20. What countries -- ahem, states -- did you visit?:
Finally made it back to NYC. And Carolina.
Getting my ADA into work so I could do my job again without existing in a brain fog.
22. What was your biggest failure?:
Nyancon, in a way. Not because I played badly or I didn't play, but because it highlighted my stress issue. It was a failure I could learn from.
23. Compared to this time last year, are you…
i. thinner or fatter?: I have no clue because I haven't been allowed to own a scale
ii. richer or poorer?: HAHAHAHA that's a good one! Me? Have money? I'm an adult now, I have to pay for things (but never again for people who aren't in my family, NEVER AGAIN)
24. What do you wish you'd done more of?:
Practicing, but I'll say that for eternity.
25. What do you wish you'd done less of?:
Chasing the goose.
26. How will you be spending Christmas next December?:
Same as last year: not a clue, but hopefully still in Ohio.
27. Did you fall in love in 2019?
I did! I literally found him standing on the street corner outside work, asking for food. Not only did I feed him, I gave him a ride back home and a place to sleep for the night. Now he lives with me, and I'm so much happier for it. (In case you're wondering, yes, I am talking about my cat.)
28. How many one-night stands?:
If it acts like a goose, waddles like a goose, honks like a goose, annoys the shit out of you like a goose, and poops all over your floor like a goose, I don't care what the hell it looks like. IT IS A GOOSE. It will do nothing but lay goose eggs. The only way you can escape is to back away slowly, do not make eye contact with it, and run once it's out of sight. Whatever you have left behind now belongs to the goose for all time and eternity. Do not go back for it, no matter what. Do not provoke the goose.
29. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?:
Yes, actually, I changed my mind. I do hate someone. I just really hope this total rage eventually turns to mutual indifference. I have a book series to write.
30. What did you get really, really, really excited about?:
My sister's wedding. She's only wanted it since she was like 2. Oh, also having Round 1 open in my old spot in the Ditch. All my exes must be rolling in their pews~
31. What did you want and get?:
My sister's most awesome wedding ever -- I'm not just saying that because it happened. I've wanted a storybook wedding like that for her for years. The rain even held off. Just saying.
32. What did you want and not get?:
My $200 back.
33. What was your best month?
Ehh. July? A lot of good stuff happened in July, even though it was crazy busy.
34. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?:
I want to go through 2020 with a calm, stoic personality and an unyielding hand on my goals, and to accomplish them with the least amount of emotion as possible.
35. How would you rate this year with a scale from 1 (shitty) to 10 (excellent)?
Even though everything sucked, like a lot, and I spent a better part of the year in a brain fog, I'm going with a 7. Why? Because I learned a lot, and these are lessons that are going to stick with me. Never again will I have to go through this, because I've been through fire and I've made it out the other side.
36. What's something you learned about yourself in 2019?
I've learned a lot of things in 2019. Not all of these are good things. I shall list some of these below, in no particular order:
- I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, lest I be stuck in horrible circumstances. Sometimes you need to use your wit instead of brute force to practice smarter and to stay one step ahead of your brain (or someone else' brain).
- If your employer no longer hears you, or is too busy to hear you, it's totally cool to take that to HR, and see where that takes you.
- When you tell somebody to stop something that is hurting you, and they continue, that is the definition of abuse.
- 'Made' families (such as the ones queer people create in the forced absence of blood families) are only as effective as how they cater to their weakest member. At least blood families are obligated by law to care for you.
- Maybe happiness is possible, but you have to be willing to take the first step toward what it means for you.
- Sometimes great change is needed to become your most authentic self. It's ok if this change does not happen all at once. It may be as simple as ignoring an abusive ex, or getting someone to use your correct pronouns. The magic is in the baby steps.
- Dreams are just dreams. It is what you do with them that matters.
- Neurotypical people are capable of change. Severely mentally ill people who are not treated are only capable of chaos.
- People who care about you will stop an anime convention in its tracks to ensure you are fed and cared for. People who don't care about you will be so obsessed with themselves that they won't see you having a panic attack, let alone help.
- Not every day is an adventure. This is okay.
- Not every meal is an adventure. This is also okay. If you feed yourself properly, the rest will follow.
- There will be those people who always live by a mantra of drama and doom and destruction. They literally cannot see the way out of their own problems. Then there are others, with the same problems, who somehow still find the way to keep going and dig themselves out with endurance and integrity. Even when problems arise, they understand that problems, like the seasons, are temporary. They handle the darkness of life with grace and gratitude. There is literally no difference between these two types of people, other than their DNA and their environment. Your DNA cannot be changed (much, at least). Your environment can, little by little. Stay humble.
- Find the light, whatever it is that inspires you. It's okay if it's a little weird. It's not okay if its' a loved one whose life you try to take over. But follow that light as far as it will take you. Identify your star. Find that thing worth following, that makes you realize reality is worth living in. You don't need make believe and worlds hidden in your head to run your life when you have a beautiful person to support who has beautiful dreams. Feel it, touch it, experience it as it is.
- You can analyze it to death, but if you don't act on it, it means nothing.
- If it triggers you, that's okay. Flee from sin, and by that, I mean if you're in a bad situation where you're not yourself, get out. If absolutely necessary, form a game plan and desensitize yourself. But most of the time, just flee from sin.
- If there is magic in this world, let me simply create it on my piano with my fingers. You cannot wish yourself out of trouble. God isn't here tos ave you -- only you can, by finding something to follow, and that may be God.
- You think you know someone after X years of being with them, but there may be secrets that they themselves don't know about, because they've kept them hidden for so long. Be patient with people, especially your people. You don't know everything.
- Some day, none of this will exist. Do what you can now, not with a sense of urgency, but because it gives you peace.
- There is no meaning to life. It is what you make of it.
37. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?:
Pretty much the same. I'd love to experiment, but please see what I wrote before about money.
38. What kept you sane?:
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~ was I ever sane? What kept me kind of sane, at least, was always having something to keep marching toward, something to fall back on that was always steady, no matter what. I had so much going on that I started to lose sight of it in the blur. And it was at Matsuricon that it almost broke down, and that was the first step toward getting my sanity back. I joke about us going downtown to get married so I can care for their family, but honestly, if we did such a silly thing, I'd still treasure that day like none other. (I won't do it, though, because I will not bring my father's wrath upon this house.)
39. Who did you miss?:
One of my best friends got lost in the shuffle during the year. I didn't talk to him a lot because I was so stressed out. Moving forward into the new year, I want to work on our friendship and make it better. Thankfully, he's been patient and waited on me. That's what a true friendship is.
40. Who was the best new person you met?:
All of the people I met at RAJ who made me feel at home! I had some issues mid-Saturday with sound and brain fog and had to rest for a while, but people were still around late-night and I got to hang with the coolest people. I was invited to two Discords, and I got to play Museca with boxing gloves! I hope to see more of these awesome people at Ohayocon. It's been a long time since I've really felt like I fit in. Thank God for Bemani, and thank God the community still exists.
41. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.
I will obviously write more on this, but: there is something inside of you that is that core part of you. It cannot be defined by time or place, or circumstances or location or fandom. If you lose sight of that, if you lose sight of what makes you "you," then all is lost. The definition of integrity, I think, is being this you, and really refusing to change who you are at your core to suit other people. Those of us who have been abused and manipulated find it extremely harder to do this. Our sense of self becomes distorted. For me, returning to myself has been a long journey that some how culminated with a lifelong dream coming true (rescuing my cat). I guess I got lucky. I don't actually know how to find yourself again if you lose yourself. What I do know is how to take action when I know something is wrong. That in itself is a very Emily thing to do, and has paved the way for more Emily things.
42. What song will always remind you of 2019?:
Everything off of The 1975's album A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships. Before I tripped into the ARMY, this is the album that got me through. It gave me permission to sing, "This sucks, and it's allowed to suck, but we're gonna get up off our butts and continue onward because why not?"
43. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"'Cause I'm humming along to the same old song
But I don't know the lyrics
I'm searching for the meaning
And then you come along, sing the same old song
'Cause you know what I'm feeling
You give me meaning"
44. What Quotes sum up the year?:
The last line in Utada Hikaru's Japanese version of "Face My Fears" (you know, the new Kingdom Hearts song) goes like this:
私の知らない私に 早く会いたい
I've chosen to translate it as: There's a me that I don't know out there, somewhere. I want to find it, no matter what.
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